There I am. With a big glass of wine in hand. Although I am trying really hard to not drown myself in my sorrows, wine really does help. So, here it is. The week I have dreaded most since May. On Mothers' Day of this year, I left an 8 yr long romance with Sol's Dad. It was the best and hardest decision I have ever made. While I have ZERO regrets from leaving something that would never have been what I always wanted it to be, I still knew there would be a million more tough things I would have to get through with the decision I had made. The hardest thus far, is celebrating Christmas while "splitting" my child 50/50. That sentence right there makes me wanna go pour myself another full glass of Sauv Blanc.
I will never forget the day I had to walk into mediation to hash out how we were gonna divide our time with our daughter for the rest of our lives. I was a complete wreck. I sat on the stairs of the Santa Barbara court house crying my eyes out and then trying super hard to calm down, dry my eyes, blow my nose, and walk in there with the same courage that told myself I needed to leave in the first place. I had decided to give up this Xmas with her because I know when she is 3.5, it will be way more comprehensive for her than this year as a 2.5 year old. But holy shit. How would I get through this year without her on Christmas? Ok, cue to pour another glass.
So, the dreaded week has arrived. My parents (who are god's gift to a toddler's Christmas) and I decided to celebrate Christmas with Sol the weekend before. We would pretend that Sat night was Christmas eve. We put out milk and cookies for Santa and we all read The Night Before Christmas. We went to bed and woke up to an empty cookie plate (Sol was in total bewilderment) and a room full of presents and a stocking that was bursting at the seams. I tried so hard to block the creeping thoughts of what was I going to do on actual Xmas when the rest of the world celebrates it? Wine for breakfast? That is not ok. How would I even be able to wake up Christmas morning without my Sun?
Then, I finally snapped out of it. Ok, time to quit the self pity. I am not the only one in the world who has to split custody of a child. In California alone, the divorce rate is 60%. I am not alone. So, I shook myself free from my sadness of celebrating Xmas on Dec 18th, as opposed to the 25th. And I came up with a new concept for the rest of my life. This weekend, when I am without Sol, I am going to have adult time with myself. I am going to take advantage of my time without a child, and do things that I normally can't do anymore. Like go out on a hot date. Go shopping. Buy a new dress and go out. Plan a friends dinner with my many friends who don't have kids. Sleep in! Smoke pot! Masturbate (ya, I said it)! Buy new succulents. Get a foot massage. Put on a NuSkin Mask and get my skin young again! Dye my hair pink? No, probably not. And I will use this new concept during all the times that I don't get to be with Sol. I am going to take advantage of having ME TIME for the FIRST TIME since she was born.
In times like this, I find it so important to look at the many wonderful things happening in my life. I am sure alot of you following @thegraygang on instagram. The other day she had posted a sad message about two different moms who had lost their toddlers this year due to rare viral diseases and that they were spending their first Christmas without their child. My heart bleeds for these moms. And it makes my worries seem so acute in the scheme of life. Sidenote, Tiff (@thegraygang) is raising money for these mamas and if you would like to donate funds this Christmas, she is asking us to send money to her paypal account: email@example.com. I am sending 50$, I wish I had more to give, but I hope that helps.
So, if you are going through any type of heartbreak this holiday season, remember you are not alone and really take some time for major self love and self care. Be soft on yourself. Don't feel like you have to have your shit together. Cry if you need to. And don't beat yourself up if you need to cry. We all know that time is the only thing that truly heals. And imagine how next year, you will be in a completely different place. A better place. Because the universe is perfect. And what we are going through now is propelling us into a higher consciousness, a higher vibration, a better life than we could ever dream of.
So, the photos below are a little recap of my Christmas with Sol, a week earlier than the calendar Christmas. But no less of a Christmas, that is a fact. AND I included the first 3 picis from our little house we have created this year for just the two of us. We got our own little tree and decorations, and it has been quaint and cute, and I am really fucking proud of myself.