I grieved the biggest loss of my life in 2016. It was the loss of my family. Last year I announced my split from Sol's Dad. My Captain. My best friend and lover of 8 years and the father to our soulmate, Soleil. I watched things slowly start to change towards the end of my pregnancy. It would take me two more years to finally tell myself that the type of relationship I found myself in, was not in the least bit empowering, that it was not the right kind of love. I opened up about my heartbreak and my situation moving into the realm of single motherhood. I was honest but not combative and did not talk badly about Sol's dad. I never would have guessed what was about to happen next...
All of a sudden, emails, dm's and texts began flooding in from women who had found themselves in similar situations. These women thanked me for my honesty and they told me I give them strength. The support we have all given back to eachother this year is astonishing. I am honored to have this support and love from women all over the world, and I send it all back to every single one of you.
I wanted to take a few minutes to write about how I dealt through my loss and resurection of 2016:
I left on Mothers' Day. And every day after, I cried. I found myself crying every day. I live in the land of precious young families, all who are my dear friends, and all of a sudden, I didn't have a family. I would soon learn from the help of other women who had left too, that my idea of "family" would evolve into a different version. I am pretty sure I was depressed. I mean, I had never been depressed before, but I am pretty sure thats what I had become. I found comfort in smoking weed when Sol wasn't around to numb my feelings. To numb my reality. I stayed in my pj's alot. I cried when she wasn't around. I grieved. I grieved my loss. The loss of my family. The death of my family. I grieved and I grieved. I kept it all from Sol. The grieving part. Some of your emails to me talked about how you cry in the bathroom when your kids aren't looking. Yep. I know. Me too.
I remember taking Sol to her first ballet class a few months after the split. I watched her be a star. I watched her so confidently stand in front of the teacher, not needing me at all, so focused on what the teacher was doing and her following along and understanding everything, instantly. And I fought back the tears because I had never and will never get credit for who she had become. I spent every day of her life with her for her first two years, I dedicated my life to her and my household, giving up my career for them. And I would never ever get credit for what I had created. And it tore into my heart and shredded it to pieces.
I didn't want the other parents to see me cry. All the other parents were married, live in beautiful adult homes, and are having their second babies. I was now amongst them as an outsider. Of course they would never make me feel that way, they are all my dearest friends, but, I couldn't help but feel that way. All of a sudden, I was not like them. I had my own tiny ass house, I slept alone, I did everything alone, I parented alone, every event or party I showed up alone. I don't get to make another baby like Sol so that she has a brother or sister to share her life with. It's starting to get hard for me to write this... I need to go blow my nose and wipe away a few tears.
These days, I'm feelin better. What I would like to say to those who are reading this because they are in this too, is that the only way to live life for a while is day by day. Just get through today. And then get through tomorrow. And then get through next week. And little by little, you find yourself getting through those days better and better. You have to grieve your loss. If you push it away and hide it, it will come back tenfold. It will haunt you. It will ruin your next relationship. Deal with it. Fucking cry. Cry and cry. Soon, the tears will dry up. Something in your life just died. It's necessary to grieve. I remember calling my mom one day towards the end of October and telling her that I was finally ready to stop being sad. That I was ready to focus on becoming the best version of myself. That if I could do that, then my career would be back on track and I could be living my dreams finally. Of course, its so much easier said than done.
The next step after I took time to face my sadness, was to indulge and focus on some major self care. I got my hair cut, I got a new skincare routine, I bought new decor for my new home, I bought new plants, I took Sol out on date nights with just the two of us, I exercised tremendously, I went to bars that I hadn't been to in years, and most effectively, I had ALONE TIME. I began to cherish the nights that I actually didn't have Sol. For the first time in years, I had time to myself. And the other most important thing I began to do was to put blinders on and not allow all the horrible things that were being said to me about myself as a mom and a woman were not true and to not let it infiltrate into my psyche and my heart. Thats where ultimate strength is grown, I believe. To not have to defend yourself, to just let it go. Fuuuuuck that is a hard one! I still have major trouble with this, but whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, eh?
This year, you will find me pouring my heart into my career as Mothersun, because this year, I have nothing holding me down. I took a break to give birth to my Soulmate and now I am back to rise again. If you are going through this with me, we are Phoenixes Rising up through the Ashes. We are magnificent unstoppable beings. We are Warriors. We are Goddesses. And when we are ready to love again, the only men we will attract are men like Ryan Gosling who give their partners all the credit they deserve (did you hear his Golden Globes speech? I meeeeeean, googoogaagaa). The little Boomerang video below reminds me that I am right where I am supposed to be. With my soulmate in my arms and I am so thankful for her dad for helping me create this magnificent being. All is right in my world.
And one last thing. You are not alone. And if you feel alone, write me. I am here for you. And to most of the women who wrote me last year, I even sent them a special Mothersun something to remind them that they are warriors. I can send you one too. And if you did write me and I didn't ask you for your address, don't hesitate on writing me again and giving me your address!